I really just give up.

I haven’t gotten much of anything accomplished tonight. I’m just going to sleep. I’ll deal with life again in the morning. Whenever I wake up. I’m just not in the mood for anything right now. I don’t want to do anything except sleep. I seriously hope I feel better tomorrow.

Semi-Long post.

Last night was really fun. SO fun. I am so happy to have friends that I love and care about and genuinely enjoy hanging out with. I hadn’t had a sleepover in so long. And even though Caroline broke my TV, pong made a mess, we suck at prank calling, and Taco Bell just made me feel sick, it was still fun. So fun. I needed it. Badly.

Sad enough, I wish tonight was as fun. I really can’t stand living with my grandma anymore. The weird thing is, the same flaws my mom has, my grandma has. They’re just magnified in her. It’s terrible. And when you live with someone, you lose SO much respect for them. Like, my parents, I will say mean things to them, and I will yell, and it’s OKAY because I love them unconditionally. And they love me too. However, with my grandma, I can’t yell, I can’t be like that, because she’s my grandma. But now I’ve lost so much respect for her because I just don’t like her anymore? I don’t know. As soon as she came home today she started complaining loudly about the dogs when I was ASLEEP, I waited until she went upstairs and I got some things together and just left. I don’t need her negativity. I’m already stressed out, easily upset. I don’t know. I called my dad and held it in on the phone but after we hung up I started crying. He’s having such a good time in California, he sounds so happy, everything about it there sounds amazing, and I’m stuck here. I’m glad he listens to me complain, but I can’t cry over the phone. That’s pathetic. My mom also is terrible, but over here is the lesser of two evils I guess. I don’t know. I don’t know about anything anymore. I hope my grandma moves out soon, I feel like it’s partly my fault she’s going to, but I don’t care. I want her gone. I want her to be someone I respect and WANT to spend time with, not someone I can’t stand.

Also, I WANT TO GO TO NYU SO BADLY. I’ve never wanted anything this bad in my life. I dream about it. Well, nightmares. One’s where I don’t get accepted. I don’t know, to me, the closer it gets it seems less likely, less possible. However, I want it so badly, and I’m working hard, so maybe it will happen ? I don’t know.

I guess I don’t know anything anymore really. I’m just a mess. I’m trying so hard and yet I still feel like I’m falling short. I’m trying to focus on the positive though. Trying at least.

Going to do some homework, maybe make more hot chocolate, watch a movie. I might just go to sleep. We’ll see.

DECEMBER 20th.

HURRY THE EFF UP. I want to go to San Diego NOW.

NOW NOW NOW.

Tonight's plans involve: hot chocolate & studying.